My general experience of taxis in Sheffield is that if you get a black cab, you'll get where you're going if you can but find one, and if you phone a taxi company then you'll be lucky if it ever turns up. That bit of handy knowledge doesn't stop me trying to use them, though, because they're the only way short of walking to get home at midnight.

So what's new? Well, on Friday night, around about 12-ish, I had cause to try to go home. I called Mercury. No answer. I called RCA. No answer. Tried again several times, and either got a busy tone or no answer each time. Most peculiar. It was suggested that I try a more local firm, Excel, who might have one available, so I did. No answer.

A thought occurred to me. It's the last Friday before Christmas. Everybody will be out on the town. I'm calling from a mobile. Which would you rather deal with as a taxi firm; someone at a residential address with access to a landline, or some random drunk in the middle of town? I figured that the only way to distinguish between the two short of answering the phone would be to look at the CLI. Starts with 07? Sorry, you're probably a drunken loony. Get a black cab or walk it.

Putting this theory to the test, I switched to a landline and called Excel. Answered within two rings. Now, I've not done further experimentation, but it did make me stroke me chin and say "Hmmm..." in a quizzical manner.

So anyway, Excel say they'll have a taxi with me in 20 minutes. I wait. 30 minutes later, no taxi. I call back. Apparently they couldn't get one to me so the girl on the phone passed the job over to Phoenix taxis, where her dad's girlfriend works. I call them and she says that the taxi has been and gone because I didn't go out to meet it. I did point out that when you tell someone to expect ringback and don't actually ring them back, it can hardly be considered their fault for not knowing the taxi was there. She agreed, called the driver an idiot, and promised another in 5 minutes.

So 20 minutes later I'm back on the phone. Phoenix aren't answering again, even from the landline, and I have no idea what is going on. I call Excel back to see if they have any clue what's going on. I say "Hello ..." and the girl on the phone says "Is that Craig? Haven't they picked you up yet!?" I tell her what's been going off and she apologies for the hassle, then has an idea.

Turns out that she lives just round the corner from me, and her dad was picking her up in 5 minutes to go home. Would I like a lift with her? I said yes, on the grounds that the only other way would be to set off walking and take my chances with black cabs in S35. Sure enough, 20 minutes later (about 2:20am) an Excel cab arrives with a young lady waving madly in the front seat. Unfortunately, me being something of a dimwit, I can't remember her name ...

We set off, and it turns out that she does only live about 2 minutes drive from me. How handy. So I got home in the end, in a most unconventional manner. So the moral of this story is this; be nice to the girl at the taxi company. She's a person too, and she might well be a lovely person who pulls out all the stops to help you get home. So thank you, girl at Excel taxis whose name I don't know. And take note, you muppets at RCA and Mercury.